Thursday, 2 June 2011

Of Dolphins, Pearls and Memories


A

The moon, what was left of it, shone eerily through the trees. She jumped as the owl screeched overhead, her heart pounding painfully as she ran, impatiently brushing back her hair as it fell into her face – she had to get there in time – before He was gone – that dark shadow that strangely brought her peace and not terror as it had the first time she stumbled into Him.

As she neared the seashore, she slowed down, the acid smell of sulphur assaulting her nostrils. She stopped a moment and breathed in deeply, her eyes closed as memories of strong arms, tender smiles and touches, dark flashing eyes, anger, laughter, HIM, threatening to overwhelm her. She shook herself, and swiftly threw off her robe, revealing her beautiful naked body to the little bit of moon, she threw back her head, her dark hair cascading down her pale naked back.

A nymph in the moonlight… the eclipsed moon

As she kept her eyes closed, breathing deeply, her mind a kaleidoscope of memories, a soft smile formed on her lips and then she felt It, the Shadow gently closing around her, a warm, comforting blanket of darkness. She sunk to her knees, The Shadow pushing her down firmly but gently, curling into a ball on her hands and knees, and then, the wondrous change took place – even though her eyes were shut tight, she saw the ethereal light all around her, lifting her and then she was on the back of the silver Dolphin, joyfully, with carefree abandon, laughing, her throaty laugh as He played in the waves, ducking and diving taking her with Him. She felt the closeness the oneness with Him that she had experience the first time after she had let go of her terror.

Suddenly, with crystal clear clarity she knew, she did not want to go back. She did not want to return to the forest house, where she was all but a captive and slave to the dreary every day life – a never- ending cycle of sleep, work, clean, cook, sleep. Day after day.
Here on the open sea, on the Silver back, she was whole, free, the nymph that was trapped within the body of the girl.

A deep loneliness engulfed her, drowning her. She sobbed silently, aquamarine tear-drops falling one by one on the Silver back. With an unexpected groan, the Dolphin ripped through the dark waves, the moon swallowed by the sun, down, down, down, into the deep deep ocean. She clung to Him her tears mingling with the salt of the sea, she was not frightened, and she had a calmness she could not explain.

It did not strike her as strange, that she was able to see all around her, the ethereal light still strong even under the sea, the beauty around her almost knocking her breath from her. Amazing colours of greens, oranges, pinks, mother of pearl, fish every colour of the earthly rainbow darting to and fro. She stared in dumb amazement, delighted, her spirit soaring like that of an eagle high above the mountain peaks.

As suddenly as He had dived, the Silver Dolphin stopped. She slid from His smooth back, and stood still. Before her was a cave.
Dark.
Black like the night above with no moon.
She turned to speak to Him, but He was gone.  With a cry she frantically searched for Him but all that greeted her was an eerie silence. As if in a bubble, nothing touching her, the sea creatures lazily going about their business, little fish darting in and out of the rocks and corals, she dropped her hands in despair. The endless flow of tears streaming down her cheeks as she stood, a nymph waif, alone.

Deserted once again.

Then she heard it, faintly at first, a voice calling her, calling the nymph. Not the girl, but the nymph. She moved forward, towards the black hole, her heart pounding fearfully. As she reached the entrance of the cave, she hesitated, her mouth dry, trembling. She knew she had to go in there, something, someone was compelling her, yet, she knew, it was her decision and hers only. She stepped back, wiping the hair from her eyes with trembling fingers, she suddenly felt cold, so terribly cold.

The voice called again, this time more strongly, more compelling, she took a tentative step, her small foot, touching the edge of the darkness, then she brought her other foot forward, trembling almost uncontrollably she stepped right into the deep blackness of the cave, and knew without knowing how, that there was not turning back. The entrance was now closed. There would be no turning back.

As she took another step a soft glow appeared at her feet. She felt a thrill of excitement ripple through her naked body. She started walking following the glow as it curve its way through the tunnel.

Suddenly the glow came to a standstill. She lifted her head, and looked around her. The rock walls jutting out cruelly. She shuddered; she could so easily be torn to bits by the angry knife-like spikes of the rock. Then she saw it, glinting against the dark rock, a gold chain. She lifted it, her fingers trembling as she recognized the anklet. The scene before her changed. She was in a tent, a dark handsome Man, lifting her foot tenderly, placing the gold chain around her slim ankle. Dance! He called out and she began to dance silks swirling around her hips, Someone clapping to the rhythm of the music. Laughter burst from her lips and she ran forward towards Him, her arms outstretched…. But he and the girl were swallowed by the darkness.

The deep loneliness crept over her once again.  Clasping the chain, she continued walking as the glow moved on. She sensed the tunnel shrinking, and soon she was crawling on her knees, vivid pictures dancing before her... A slave post, the girl bound naked and ashamed cringing under an icy cold gaze her silks torn from her body, lying ripped at her feet. People jeering. “She must have done something to deserve this” a voice taunted.
A door slamming on fingers. Toes and finger tips bleeding, hurting, her tongue and nipple pierced as tears of terror streamed down her face. She stopped her body racked by sobs, flooded by regret.

A sudden calmness came over her as she felt a warm, soft blanket wrapped around her – a poncho. She hugged it close to her, her tears subsiding. Now, excitedly she crawled on, her knees barely feeling the cuts and grazes of the rough surface.

The glow continued to guide her, and the voice beckoned from afar. After a long while she felt the texture under her knees change to gravely wet sand.
Sea sand.
Before her stretched miles and miles of beach, the waves lapping gently at its edge. With a joyous whoop she sprang up, glad to be free of the confines of the scary tunnel and its memories.

She ran, skipped and twirled around and around eventually throwing herself onto the white warm sand. She lay there a while, revelling in the music of the waves, the raucous calls of gulls overhead. She threw her arms open, and as she did, her hand hit something hard. Turning her head, she saw the open clam – a sad lonely clam.

As if in slow motion, she sat up, clasping the clam to her breast. Lifting it, she pressed it to her lips.

It had been a sunny day, with a cool sea breeze caressing their heated bodies. They had playfully splashed and ducked one another, diving in the waves, their laughter ringing out drowned by the calls of the gulls and the crash of the waves. He dove down, surfacing again, spluttering for air, and triumphantly holding up the slipper wet clam. Running up the beach, He threw Himself down and pulled her down with Him.

Opening it up, He held it open for her, His eyes shining with pride and love… nestled within the shell was the most beautiful pearl the nymph had ever seen. She looked up at Him, no smile on her lips, only in her eyes, as they sparkled in wonder. He lifted the pearl and gave it to her. She took it from Him cradling it softly in the palm of her hand, and leaned over to kiss Him, when suddenly the pearl fell and tumbled away with the waves.

Without thinking, He jumped up and ran into the sea, trying to catch the elusive jewel. She screamed then, a sudden terror gripping her, but He was gone.
Gone.
Like the moon swallowed by the sun.
Gone.

Days went by, and everyday she walked the seashore. On a moonlit night, she sat, the lonely nymph waif, upon the cold wet sand at the shore, when to her delight a Silver Dolphin rose from the frothy waves, playing for her, leaping and diving, enthralling her, warming her icy heart.

She sat motionless for, what seemed like hours, holding the clam, watching as the sun rose with golden streaks painting the grey sky. She stirred then, her limbs numb from cold. It was then that she heard it again, the voice calling her from far. She rose as if hypnotized, numb in heart, body and soul.  Without thought she moved towards the voice, her feet carrying her automatically. As she walked, life returned to her numb body and mind, and she became aware of her surroundings. A movement to her right caught her eye, turning her head she saw the Silver Dolphin frolicking in the waves alongside her.
With a gleeful laugh she started running, racing against Him, running running running, her feet flying over the silver sand…… her eyes not leaving Him. Suddenly she stumbled and fell, sprawled out on the sand, with waves lapping at her feet. She thought she heard Him laugh, a laugh she would know anywhere. She knew it was purely her imagination.

She pulled herself up and as she did, she saw half buried in the sand, a black leather thong. Her heart stopped. She yanked  it out, knowing without looking that it would have dangling from it, a blue teardrop. She clutched it together with the ankle chain, her heart pounding.  Before the a scene unfolded…. A girl kneeling, her arms extended and wriss crossed, the Man walking to and fro, around her, barking questions. Others sat there watching. The girl’s heart pounding, hesitant at times, very sure at others of her answers. The Man, placing this very necklace around her neck, His eyes shining with pride at His slave. Tears of joy flowing unashamedly down her cheeks as she is enveloped in His strong loving arms.  With reluctance she turned her mind to the present.

She looked for the Dolphin but once again He had disappeared. She continued to run, her heart soaring even as the pain of memories threatened to overwhelm her.

At last she reached a cove. Sparkling white sand forming a welcoming haven. She threw herself down, out of breath, her chest heaving. Closing her eyes, she lay there until a deep peace invaded her mind, her body her soul.

She lifted the teardrop to her lips, kissing it softly, sucking gently on it, allowing memories of happy moments to invade her mind. She turned on to her tummy, and crossed her arms laying her head on them. Then she saw it, nestled in a mother of pearl shell….
The Pearl.

She knew without a doubt it was the same pearl. She lifted herself to her knees and crawled towards it, and as she picked it up, she heard a splash behind her. Turning in surprise, she saw the Dolphin. 
Mesmerized she watched as He moved gracefully towards her.

Reaching the beach, the Dolphin flopped gracefully to the sand and lay still, closing His eyes.  The nymph jumped up, running to Him, the Pearl burning in the palm of her hand. Before she reached Him, the glow that had led her, appeared. A soft, gentle light, touching the still form of the Silver Dolphin. She watched with a sense of awe, as before her eyes His form changed and there lay, on the silver sand, Him. The One she loved, the One she had kept in her heart and never forgot.

Tears and laughter mingled as she ran to Him, throwing herself upon Him her slim arms folding around Him, tears wetting His cheeks.

With a sudden chuckle He jumped up, pushing her into the sand, His arms like a vice around her body, holding her tight, His salty lips seeking hers, and kissed her long ,hard, hungrily.

I have come to fetch you My nymph He whispered. Never again will we be parted. e will be the oyster and the pearl, One.

Together they watched as the moon rose above the restless sea. Their hearts at peace, as He took her hand and led her back to the silver waves.

Saturday, 28 May 2011

Celebrating a Life

It is my son's birthday today. He loved pomegranates.

Today he is 26 in earthly terms, but today there will be no birthday bash here on earth. I think, perhaps there where he is they will celebrate his life on earth. I think it will be a grand celebration, far better than what we could have done here on earth.

There are grandparents, friends, two siblings who never made it to this earth, there are the angles, and there is the the Lord Jesus and everyone will be rejoicing.

But here on earth, it is harder. To lose a loved one is hard, to lose a child to death i think, is harder. And no matter how strong you are, it hits you again and again. 


Today i fight tears, a bit useless cos they have a mind of their own. But i wipe them quickly. I don't want anyone to see. I have two amazing children here with me, and an amazing husband, and there is life to celebrate every day. There is joy, even in heartache.  I need to stay strong for them.

I think too of those moms, who mourn for their children, who have died of famine, in war, in horrible circumstances, and i know that like me, it is only God that can comfort. The Holy Spirit that heals and soothes like a fragrant oil.

God does mind our tears - but he does mind our self pity. 
The prophet Job lost everything, his possessions and his children, yet he chose not to blame God, not deny God, but to praise him even in sack cloth and ashes.

and so.. this timeless poem always helps to remind me that no matter what, HE has never deserted me.

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was one only.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints, so I said to the Lord,
“You promised me Lord,
that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?”
The Lord replied, “The years when you have seen only one set of footprints, my child, is when I carried you.”

Monday, 27 December 2010

Why must one fight darkness?

Some one told me of an experience he had while in jail - a child brought before the father to be tortured so that the father would " confess "


For some reason today, this picture has been in my mind - on the day my son died, 9 years ago.
This question kept going through my head : What would you as a parent do?
Would you confess anything just to save your child?
What will your child think of you - will your child understand that you did this to love him?
Or, would your child see you as a coward who does not stand for truth?


Does it matter whether it is for political reasons or for faith?


A parent who will not deny his faith, does so knowing that the things of this world are temporary and though your child may be killed too, he will live for eternity.
What about torture? How does a parent watch his child being tortured for not denying Jesus.


Dark and difficult thoughts. I lost a son in this world. I am struggling hard to stay positive for the rest of my family, but i am not doing a very good job. I longed for gentle words and comforting words from those i loved. I longed for a hug and something to just tell me that they are with me in thought.. i so longed for those words.....


It feels to me it would be easier to just fade away to nothingness.


Yet daily there are parents who face much worse than i do. My thoughts and feelings are so selfish, yet it is a very lonely path one walks


God forgive me

Friday, 24 December 2010

At the End of A year

Today is the 24th. As, always, we will have our dinner table full this Christmas Eve. 
Years ago, it was the whole family. Mom, Dad, brother, sister, children. Now Mom and Dad are no longer with us, brother goes off to the in laws.

This is always such a bitter sweet time of year. Its wonderful to have the children here. Its great to have our friends share this special night, but there are a few empty places now. Mom, Dad and a dearly loved son, all who have gone on from this world.

Its a time of year where i fight against the dark overwhelming emotion of depression. If i do not keep busy, i sink into utter despair. 

Last night, after speaking to T, who is getting engaged today, i felt this strong sense of longing to go on. I am sometimes so tired of life.

We celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ our Lord - and its only because of the hope i have in Him, the purpose i know He has for my life that i can continue.

Trusting for an awesome 2011

Sunday, 12 December 2010

What is Death?

I have just watched Voyage of the Dawn Treader.  At the end Reepicheep leaves to go to the land of Aslan. He gets into his little boat and off he goes to the land of peace and joy not to ever return to this world, or in this case, Narnia.

 

Seeing this scene made me weep a little for it reminded me so of the poem below:

December is a pretty tough month for me most times It is the month when i had to say goodbye to my son and to my mother. 

After my son passed away, a very dear friend sent this poem to me, and over the years it has been a comfort to me especially when feelings of grief threaten to overwhelm.  When one has the assurance of salvation through Christ Jesus, when one knows that life on this earth is only a passing journey, and one day, we will all climb on that ship, there is hope. There is no fear of death, only the promise of a place more glorious than we can ever imagine.

 

I am standing by the seashore.
A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze
and starts for the blue ocean.
She is an object of beauty and strength,
and I stand and watch
until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud
just where the sun and sky come down to mingle with each other.

Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!
Gone where? Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in mast and hull and spar
as she was when she left my side
and just as able to bear her load of living freight
to the places of destination.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her.

And just at the moment when someone at my side says,
'There she goes! ' ,
there are other eyes watching her coming,
and other voices ready to take up the glad shout :
'Here she comes!'